As I said before I am reading this book called "Secret Survivors Uncovering Incest and it's Aftereffects in Women" By E. Sue Blume. It's amazing what you find out about your self just by reading a damn book.

I have learned this week that I am my normal for what happened to me.

Chapter 3 In Somebody Else's Hands

I have emotional boundaries,

Fear of losing control,

I have a distorted view of Power and Relationships (ie I am 29 yrs. old - boyfriend is 45) I have always had an attraction to older men.

I still have trouble with empowerment( I do what everyone else does cause I don't know what I want to do.)

 Chapter 5 Am I Crazy~No, you're Coping (Part 1)

I suffer from PIS (Post Incest Syndrome.)

 I am one of those lucky enough to have developed an (Inner Guide)

I was able to develope Psychic Numbing and Emotional Shutdown. I know what my father did to me, but I don't know how to respond to it emotionally except anger I'm sure you felt that when you viewed my web sites.

This is the best one yet "Depersonalization("Splitting")"  {out of body experience} now this one here is pretty damn cool I think it just isn't funny when it happens when your driving. The next thing you know there's break lights in front of you. Or you wonder how you got from point A to point B.

Did you know that depression is healthy{I learned that depression is also protective because as not merely sadness, but apathy, it is a state where nothing matters. One feels discouraged, disgusted, despairing; in depression one loses all hope. But becasue of having lost all expectations, one can no longer be dissapointed. and id you cannot be dissapointed---if nothing feels good---then nothing else can hurt you; you can start to heal, protected from additional damagewhile, physchologically speaking, you lick your wounds. Indeed, contrary to popular opinion, a metered amount of self-pity cna be very nurturing.}

Chapter 6 One remembering Begin: The crazies (part 2)

No Absolute Stages -Remembering incest, and working on recovery, do not occur in a rigidly ordered series of stages. Splitting  and shutdown can occur throughout recovery. Denial and minimizing also continue to resurface.

Thank god for that, my Survivor to Thrivor Manual - The Morris Center. I've done jumped all over that book. Before I had even found that book on the internet I had done wrote and mailed that letter to my father and some key people in my family. And that one is step 18, and there's only 21 steps in the book.

Chapter 7 Spoiled and Soiled: Guilt, Shame, Self Blame, and Self-Esteem

Screw the Guilt, F**K the shame and the self-blame. My problem is with self -esteem.

I've read all the way through to chapter 11, but right now I'm am on sensory overload. so I will stop where I'm at. I have seven more days with the book and five more chapters to go