I watched Oprah yesterday. I don't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

She had this 15 yr. old on her show that had been in a relationship with her 40yr old soccer coach when she was 13 yrs old. Well after charges were file the girl realized that it had been a form of child molestation. Oprah kept refering to it as a sexual seduction on the part of the molester and that it is a caculation on their part to see how far they can go with you.

Well I was disagreeing with that because I didn't see that relation between my father and I. But then Oprah rolled the tape of the show when she interviewed child molesters and one of them hit me to the core. This man was saying that he would find a girl with low self esteem and a start friendship and then he would start tickling or wresting with the girl and he would cop a feel and if she didn't give no reaction he would continue until ect....

It was only then when I reliazed that Oprah was right. But then I was sitting there and I started thinking that all of those fond childhood memories I had of my father tickling  and wrestling with my sister and I was nothing more than a calous calulation on his part of how far he could go and which one of us he could molest and I guess I was the one. Because my father was a long distance tuck driver he was not home much and when he was I wanted interaction with him because my step-mother was always punishing me for one thing or another(which she was actualy making it easier for him because she kept me isolated and kept stomping on my self esteem so that I would turn to my father for comfort) and in his sick mind I was giving him the green light.

I know realize why when I would tickle and wrestle with my niece and nephews I felt like it was bad and I was so careful not to touch them in an inappropriaite way. And when I did accidently bump them in a the wrong area because of them sqrimming and wiggling around I was filled with guilt and shame because I didn't mean to. I knew it wasn't wrong because it was playing, and accidents do happen but it in the same sense it did feel wrong. And that's because my father had another motive for him playing around.

No wonder I fill like a nut case. That's just wrong, he was so wrong and my step-mother Jonie is just as guilty because she helped him and allowed him to F**K my brain up. I don't know what else to say but it's just mind boggling. Any happy memories that I had and had held on to for so long are now gone. there's nothing left but pain and sorrow and it hurts too much to cry.