I guess I wasn't as ready for this as I thought I was. Or I've just been too busy doing nothing.

You know one thing that just gets under my skin is when people try to tell me how I think. Recently I "had" a friend to considered themself a "friend". And they just loved throwing my past in my face and tried to tell me that "I think that all men who play or tickle children are sex offenders."

Hello you @#%&* just because I have it in my journal that I finally realized how my father came to "groom" me was by tickling me and horseplay does NOT mean that I think that every man is a pervert.

This grooming took place over years it wasn't just one time. It doesn't just take a survivor of abuse to figure that out anyone who does research on the matter can figure that out.

And this goes for the rest of you people out there that have nothing better to do then to look down your noses at people who have survived the horrors of sexual abuse.

You need to take a good long look in the mirror and figure out just who the hell you are before you go passing judgements of someone else and use thier abuse against them just to make yourself feel better.

ok I feel better now.

We as a society must make a stand against Sexual Offenders and Predators and make them fully aware that their actions will not be tolerated. This is our Country.

I do not want to hear, ‘They have rights too.” No they do not. Once someone makes the decision to violate another human being they lose their rights!

Sexual abuse or sexual assault whether it happened once or repeatedly impacts that person for the rest of their life.

It affects the way they think, the way they act, their social behavior; it affects the way they perceive authority figures. Sexual abuse inhibits their ability to hold down a job, making and keeping friendships, and the inability of maintaining healthy personal relationships.

Our attackers may spend 30 days to five years for the acts they commit, and then are turned loose on society being on probation.

We serve our sentences for the rest of our lives; you tell me where the justice is in that?

If by me writing is will prevent just one child from having to live with the shame, guilt, distrust, humiliation, betrayal, and the feeling of feeling dirty, and broken. Then I know I have made my mark in this world.

I watched Oprah yesterday. I don't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

She had this 15 yr. old on her show that had been in a relationship with her 40yr old soccer coach when she was 13 yrs old. Well after charges were file the girl realized that it had been a form of child molestation. Oprah kept refering to it as a sexual seduction on the part of the molester and that it is a caculation on their part to see how far they can go with you.

Well I was disagreeing with that because I didn't see that relation between my father and I. But then Oprah rolled the tape of the show when she interviewed child molesters and one of them hit me to the core. This man was saying that he would find a girl with low self esteem and a start friendship and then he would start tickling or wresting with the girl and he would cop a feel and if she didn't give no reaction he would continue until ect....

It was only then when I reliazed that Oprah was right. But then I was sitting there and I started thinking that all of those fond childhood memories I had of my father tickling  and wrestling with my sister and I was nothing more than a calous calulation on his part of how far he could go and which one of us he could molest and I guess I was the one. Because my father was a long distance tuck driver he was not home much and when he was I wanted interaction with him because my step-mother was always punishing me for one thing or another(which she was actualy making it easier for him because she kept me isolated and kept stomping on my self esteem so that I would turn to my father for comfort) and in his sick mind I was giving him the green light.

I know realize why when I would tickle and wrestle with my niece and nephews I felt like it was bad and I was so careful not to touch them in an inappropriaite way. And when I did accidently bump them in a the wrong area because of them sqrimming and wiggling around I was filled with guilt and shame because I didn't mean to. I knew it wasn't wrong because it was playing, and accidents do happen but it in the same sense it did feel wrong. And that's because my father had another motive for him playing around.

No wonder I fill like a nut case. That's just wrong, he was so wrong and my step-mother Jonie is just as guilty because she helped him and allowed him to F**K my brain up. I don't know what else to say but it's just mind boggling. Any happy memories that I had and had held on to for so long are now gone. there's nothing left but pain and sorrow and it hurts too much to cry.     

As I said before I am reading this book called "Secret Survivors Uncovering Incest and it's Aftereffects in Women" By E. Sue Blume. It's amazing what you find out about your self just by reading a damn book.

I have learned this week that I am my normal for what happened to me.

Chapter 3 In Somebody Else's Hands

I have emotional boundaries,

Fear of losing control,

I have a distorted view of Power and Relationships (ie I am 29 yrs. old - boyfriend is 45) I have always had an attraction to older men.

I still have trouble with empowerment( I do what everyone else does cause I don't know what I want to do.)

 Chapter 5 Am I Crazy~No, you're Coping (Part 1)

I suffer from PIS (Post Incest Syndrome.)

 I am one of those lucky enough to have developed an (Inner Guide)

I was able to develope Psychic Numbing and Emotional Shutdown. I know what my father did to me, but I don't know how to respond to it emotionally except anger I'm sure you felt that when you viewed my web sites.

This is the best one yet "Depersonalization("Splitting")"  {out of body experience} now this one here is pretty damn cool I think it just isn't funny when it happens when your driving. The next thing you know there's break lights in front of you. Or you wonder how you got from point A to point B.

Did you know that depression is healthy{I learned that depression is also protective because as not merely sadness, but apathy, it is a state where nothing matters. One feels discouraged, disgusted, despairing; in depression one loses all hope. But becasue of having lost all expectations, one can no longer be dissapointed. and id you cannot be dissapointed---if nothing feels good---then nothing else can hurt you; you can start to heal, protected from additional damagewhile, physchologically speaking, you lick your wounds. Indeed, contrary to popular opinion, a metered amount of self-pity cna be very nurturing.}

Chapter 6 One remembering Begin: The crazies (part 2)

No Absolute Stages -Remembering incest, and working on recovery, do not occur in a rigidly ordered series of stages. Splitting  and shutdown can occur throughout recovery. Denial and minimizing also continue to resurface.

Thank god for that, my Survivor to Thrivor Manual - The Morris Center. I've done jumped all over that book. Before I had even found that book on the internet I had done wrote and mailed that letter to my father and some key people in my family. And that one is step 18, and there's only 21 steps in the book.

Chapter 7 Spoiled and Soiled: Guilt, Shame, Self Blame, and Self-Esteem

Screw the Guilt, F**K the shame and the self-blame. My problem is with self -esteem.

I've read all the way through to chapter 11, but right now I'm am on sensory overload. so I will stop where I'm at. I have seven more days with the book and five more chapters to go

Well it seems that I have been having a good week. Last week was bad too many memories coming back all at the same time.

I e-mailed Govenor Bush Friday and recieved a response yesterday. I thought that was pretty cool.

I also got in contact with the victims advocate again she will be out of town the next few weeks, but she said to send her a reminder towards the end of the month so that we can get together and discuss some resources that I found off of the internet.

I e-mailed my sister G. four times yesterday she lives in California she hasn't bothered to get back to me since I called her on valentines day and told her to check her e-mail. I guess she's can't handle the truth about her dear precious daddy.

Wow it is really windy today. I think the sustained winds are 30 mph with gusts up to 60 mph. Almost hurricane strenght. there's nothing worse than sitting in your home a feeling it shake from the wind. I guess thats just aniexity from going through three hurricanes last year. Although my camper sustained very little damage, everyone around mine was completely destroyed. Somebody was looking out for me, cause I had no insurance. But I do now. Well its raining now god I wish this wind would just stop.

I was talking with my boyfriend lastnight about the book that I'm reading and I was telling him how I had three parents and none of them gave me my Basic Human Needs. Love, Valadation, Mastery, Uncondititional Acceptance, ect.. if you read the book you know what I'm talking about.

there has only been one person in my life that has even tried, & she was my big sister, (Big Brother/Big Sister Program) and I was 16 yrs. old. I was completely damanaged by then, but she gave me hope and acceptance. And I did not realize that til yesterday. She was a godsend. If it wasn't for her strenght and inner beauty that I fed off of, I would not be here today.

While I was talking with my boyfriend, I was telling him how I was never allowed to do anything, or go anywhere and how my sister was, my stepmother would always say that I would embarress my sister if I went to the school dance or a sleep over, or the mall.

He pointed out to me that, my stepmother kept me isolated,becasue they didn't want me to talk and let someone discover the family secret. And do you know what thats a hard pill to swallow, that is not something I want to accept. I was tought to believe that i was an embarressment, I was taught to be ashamed of who I am. And I wonder why I can't function in life. It's not right and it's not fair. why me?

WHY WOULD SOMEONE DO THIS TO A CHILD WHY!!!  

Hello Everyone,

I am going to be keeping this online journal as a healing tool, as I take the steps toward my recovery from my childhood sexual abuse.

Since I have been doing research on my own, I have come to learn quite a bit about myself. As you will notice in my websites and in my journal I will only be refering to what pertains to myself. Not everything I read pertains to what I have been through or have suffered (or I haven't figured out that it does yet).

Right now I am reading "SECRET SURVIVORS Uncovering Incest and Its Aftereffects in Women" 

By E. Sue Blume

I wrote down 4 1/2 pages of notes, three of them were from chapter one and they all relate to me. One thing that struck me was "If emotionally bonded to the abuser the severity of the physical violation may not be as destructive as the emotional violation." that explains a lot to me, I often wonder why what he did to me didn't bother me as much as WHY he did it to me.

Well I have a lot of notes to type so I will close for now.

Enjoy your stay.